Coach Lee offers advice on dating and tells us about the importance of space in a relationship in his guest article for VITM.
Why Space Is So Important To A Relationship
Written by: Coach Lee
In coaching sessions with me where someone is wanting their ex back, people often describe the relationship as it used to be, before the breakup.
It’s often a mystery to them why it’s over now and why it seems their ex has turned into someone else. The intensity of the relationship was such that the idea that their boyfriend or girlfriend, now with the prefix of “ex,” would break up with them seemed outrageous and unthinkable. It’s as though their ex is a different person than they were only a few days ago.
What happened? Often it’s a matter of space.
As a relationship coach, I focus on two areas – recovering relationships after breakups and preventing breakups. After I’ve coached someone to get their ex back, the issue becomes keeping them. Obviously weak areas of the relationship contributed to the breakup and the threat of those issues resurfacing after the post-breakup honeymoon is real.
Re-Education After A Breakup
During the celebration of getting an ex back, it’s often difficult to convince a client that there is still work to be done if they don’t want to end up dumped again. The success of getting their ex back often clouds their thinking to the point that they feel that the recent reunion has elevated the relationship to the point that it is now invincible.
My words of caution are often politely dismissed as they thank me for my help in getting their ex back. They’ll take it from here. That is, until they book a call with me and frantically tell me they feel the other person slipping away again.
That’s when they are far more receptive than before.
I explain to them the importance of space in a relationship. Most couples try to devour each other. They want to see each other constantly and when that can’t happen they are in a continual text-message conversation. There’s never any space between them. That’s usually the first area I coach my clients to examine and alter.
They have got to become respectful of allowing space between themselves and the one they love if they want to keep them.
How Space Keeps Your Relationship Growing
There’s no magic measurement of what is too much space, but it is good for a couple to take time apart regularly. Take days where texting is light. Have evenings spent with friends away from your partner. It’s so important because it is in that space, that time apart, that we learn how we truly feel about the other person.
When we are apart, we are allowed the opportunity to miss the other person, to wonder about them, and to appreciate the time we have with them.
One of the most common reasons for a breakup is that the one leaving has taken the other for granted. The one being dumped has over pursued. He or she is around all of the time, texts all of the time, and seems clingy and needy. There’s no room for either to breathe and little left to the imagination.
It’s good to be apart and imagine things you can do together, where your relationship is headed, and to wonder if the other person is thinking about you at that moment as well. It is in this space that attraction, passion, devotion, and love can grow. That’s just how humans are and the sooner we understand that, the healthier our relationships will be.
The desire to know the other person more should stay strong. And it is in time not spent together that we learn and experience new things that our partner can learn about us and from us. Experiences apart mold us slightly different, giving our partner a new person to get to know again. That is a large part of what keeps a relationship fresh and growing. When two people are constantly together and have no independent experiences, their relationship becomes stagnant and one or both will become bored of the other and of the relationship.
Space is what gives us the gift of missing the other person. It gives us grand reunions and long hugs. It amplifies the moments we have together.
Rather than fear space and time apart, couples should embrace it, knowing it helps them stay together and for their relationship to reach new heights. Otherwise, you might just end up on a call with me asking if I think it’s possible for you to get your ex back.
Coach Lee is a relationship and breakup coach who helps people get their ex back after a breakup. He works with individuals to help them become their most attractive selves to bring success in relationships and to reunite with their ex. He helps women and men get their ex back and is a dating coach.
Lee has a heart for people who are hurting because of lost love and was mentored by one of the world’s leading Ph.D. scholars on human sexuality, attraction, and relationship dynamics for the past 18 years.